独木桥行

It is sad, but such is the way things have to be. There can never be universal concord; one just makes the best of the situation at hand.

Everyone steoreotypes. It's only a question of whether the stereotyping is accurate or not. With proper discipline, many misunderstandings can be prevented.

But should it come to differences of opinion, it tends to be a matter for separate discussion.

It's funny how things tend to group together and form a pile-up that descends on you with little warning, how a seemingly quiet but fun life in NUSCO can suddenly heat up and simmer within 2 weeks, how people you thought were friends turned out to be merely accommodating your presence.

My soundcard died on me the day before, causing a reformat and the loss of the ability to record my music from my piano. At least I learnt something from the experience and did the formatting myself with a bit of help from friends now and then. But against the larger background of my life, this week has been a pile-up of discovery, pleasant and unpleasant.

I was called 'freaky' because I did my tutorial way in advance (but thinking back I was lucky to do so given the time taken up by the reformat process and NUSCO events), I wonder what else people call me without my knowledge. This Saturday, NUSCO will decide whether the post of Music Coordinator will be created. Not that I want the power behind the post, but I simply want recognition for all the work I have done so far and may be doing in the future. If anyone thinks he or she can do a better job than me than by all means go ahead and take my place. Despite what I have done it always feels tiring, exhuasting because of an apparent lack of support, of enthusiasm, of appreciation.

Despite my desire to improvise, I get 'left out' and find myself 'passively accommodated' by the rest. Not that this is right or wrong, but it just means that I have not found for myself the right people to hang out with. I have not found my 'best friends' in NUSCO yet, although that is slowly changing (I think).

Is there really such a fine line between 'talent' and 'showing off'? Must it be that 'talent' never fails to be associated with 'freaky'? When will I get to carve out my own niche to hide against the wind and rain?

Searching myself, it's not fame, not power, not recognition I covet. What I really crave for is understanding and acceptance, to understand and accept that I am a musician, that I can arrange and improvise, that I like to jam, that I do have a number of eccentricities, that despite my outward appearance I need a secure comfort zone of friends and family.

CO is more than a CCA; it is a second home, an extended family with many siblings. But how many orchestras actually live up to this standard. The trend has been always towards major performances, such that COs have entrophied emphatically to be nothing more than practices for the BIG concert.

I tried to strike a difference, but I am only one against the tide. I am no hero. I cannot do it alone, and I have found but few willing to stand by me against the onslaught.

Once again I stand alone.

DreamCatcher